On Being Still
The primary reason why we hear so many women say they can't pursue their dream is that they don't have the time.
So I'm going to share with you why I thought I didn't have the time because I think maybe some of you may be feeling that too. And maybe we can help each other out.
Let me start by saying I am the champion of being busy - and it is not a title I am proud to hold. For years I have told myself that I prioritize my family and friends but really - I have let work consume my life.
I felt useful, purposeful when working. While I always wanted to be proud of what I was doing, once I was in the zone of getting things done, it didn't really matter to me what it was I was working on. I was busy, so I felt important.
Twice in my life, I have left a very well-paid, secure, straightforward job to do something that compared to those roles, was decidedly riskier, and creative. I left those positions thinking if I was busy with something that mattered more to me, something imaginative, maybe I’d feel more fulfilled and my life would have more balance against my work.
The first time, I was in my 20’s and left a safe corporate job to go to film school in Austin, Texas. I ended up nearly working myself into the ground for 3 years trying to prove to myself that I hadn't left a very lucrative, productive, name-brand recognized job to do something silly.
So I got a creative job. And once again, I busied myself beyond recognition. I had to be the first person in the door, last person out. And it wasn’t enough.
I went back to a more “secure” company in private equity. Because I thought, well, if I'm going to work this hard no matter what field I'm in, I might as well earn it. I thought I meant money. What I realize now is I meant I wanted a name brand, a tough industry, to tell me my hard work was worth it.
It was awful. I worked myself down again and again and I wasn't even remotely interested in what I was doing. But because it was work, it was important.
I realized once again how deeply unhappy I was, how deeply I was hurting people I loved, and who loved me. So for the second time in my life - I left a very secure, well-paid, steady corporate job.
Except for this time I had nowhere to go. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a next thing lined up, I just quit. It felt all at once like the fate I deserved, the unproductive fate; and the fate I deserved, the unproductive fate.
Yes, I know I wrote that twice.
Do you know what I mean by that? What I read from that was I could no longer busy myself with work - some part of my conscious told me - You have to be still.
BE STILL.
I have thought about that phrase for years. "Be Still". There's a deep part of my soul that looks at that phrase and thinks "lazy". And I have been fighting that impulse since I first went to school and decided anything less than an A was unacceptable.
BE STILL.
Now, I think it is the most glorious, productive, and bountiful phrase I know.
BE STILL.
Be still, so you can listen. Be still, so you can sit with your thoughts, your racing, productive, elaborate, hopeful, terrible, wonderful thoughts.
BE STILL. So you can actually HEAR YOURSELF.
For years I have been listening to something, some whisper, some intuition, or, as I see it - some immense love from my family and friends asking for connection. And I didn't prioritize it.
I don't know what my calling is, I don't know what my whisper is, but I know that if I Stay Still long enough, I have a better chance of actually hearing it.
I've heard little shouts that have brought me to where I am today, serving you at WF&S and as the Director of Development for a company I truly believe is putting positivity into the world.
I haven't heard the whole message, but I know that when I do, I will be ready.
So here's my hope for you if any of this feels authentic to your experience -- If you are feeling racing thoughts, this uncomfortable, tight-chested, endless, itchy swirl of thoughts -- BE STILL.
Just be still. Stop being busy for one hour.
Just one hour, be still, and do absolutely nothing.
What do you hear?