Relationships Tip: Ask Real Questions

If you want real answers, you have to ask real questions.

You may think you know your spouse, romantic partner, sibling, child, or friend so well that you also know what they are thinking. But there is absolutely no way this can be true all of the time.  If you want to understand another person's thoughts, behaviors, or intentions - thoughtful inquiry is your most effective tool.

Learn to ask questions. Real questions, not rhetorical or sarcastic questions.  

Instead of interpreting your partner’s actions, ask: Honey, why did you do that? 

Instead of inferring intention, say: I think you meant this, but can you just verify for me?

Instead of reacting out of anger or avoiding confrontation, try genuinely asking: How would you like for me to respond?

If you feel hurt or confused by a request, say: Will you ask that a different way for me?

If you're curious about someone's thoughts, inquire: Is there something on your mind? Or Can you say more about that?

All of these tried and true options are open-ended questions.  In other words, these questions invite a response that is much more than yes or no.  

Asking questions requires a willingness to slow down, make time to listen, and genuinely care about the answer. We also have to be able to sometimes hear things that are surprising or uncomfortable. Don’t let fear of an unanticipated response stop you from reading these next words: the courage to ask questions also is your opening to validation, inspiration, and authentic connection

Those are some of of the most life-giving and growth-oriented components of a healthy relationship.

- Lisa

Lisa Cashion is a licensed counselor and wellness educator whose love for learning has led her to study and work in multiple academic and healthcare settings, as well as nonprofit and corporate environments. Lisa teaches the transformative skills of personal reflection, mindful communication and emotional balancing. Learn more.